The Accidental Homesteader: I’ve Done This Before… Sort Of

Just gotta share this because apparently nobody around me can relate to the emotional roller coaster that is gardening. 😂 I’m not new to gardening—I’ve been around the block a few times. But this is the first garden I’ve had on my own in a very long time. It’s more necessity than hobby…although, in a deeply sarcastic way, it’s also kinda fun. Basically, I planted a garden and the garden chose violence. 🍅 TOMATOES I don’t know if I planted them too late or what, but I thought starting tomatoes in mid-February in Southern Colorado was already bordering on ridiculous. Apparently, the tomatoes disagreed. Three different varieties, all performing the exact same magic trick: grow beautiful plants, produce tiny flowers, then immediately let the flowers wilt and die. Fruit? Absolutely not. So naturally, my solution is to start them in December this year. I’ll put them next to the fireplace and see if I can grow tomatoes or accidentally burn down the canyon. Either way, it’ll be exciting. 🎃 SQUASH Squash officially won the award for Most Dramatic Plant With Absolutely Nothing to Show for It. About 12 plants between summer squash and zucchini. Gobs of flowers. TONS of tiny fruit. And then every single one basically said, “Nah,” withered up, and rotted right on the vine. I harvested exactly two summer squash. They were, however, ridiculously good sautéed in olive oil with garlic and fresh basil, so I guess the squash earned a participation trophy. 🥒 CUCUMBERS OH, THEY GOT THE MEMO. I now have cucumbers coming out of my ears. I’ve reached the point where I’m considering putting a cucumber on the dinner table and saying, “Surprise! It’s salad again.” I’m currently crash-coursing myself in canning. Supplies are officially on the way because apparently I now have a cucumber problem that requires industrial intervention. For snacks, I’ve resorted to chopping one up, throwing it in a bowl with ranch or avocado dressing, and calling it cuisine. I’m seriously considering cucumber relish for winter. And yes, I will absolutely plant more next year because apparently I’ve learned nothing. 🌶️ JALAPEÑOS Slowest start imaginable. I was this close to giving up on them. Then they apparently held a staff meeting and decided to reproduce with the enthusiasm of teenagers at a summer camp. Now they’re covered in flowers and producing peppers that are STUPID HOT. Like, “Maybe I should notify someone before I eat this” hot. 🌶️ SERRANOS The chipmunks ate my seedlings. I replanted them. The chipmunks are probably watching me from the bushes like, “Oh, you’re doing this again?” I have my doubts. 🌶️ ANAHEIM Another slow starter, but these guys finally got their act together and are producing like they have something to prove. Planning to roast the extras and freeze them for winter meals. So at least somebody in this garden understands the assignment. 🥬 LETTUCE And finally, my lettuce.Or, more accurately... YOGI’S LETTUCE. Apparently bears have excellent taste because Yogi keeps helping himself to my red lettuce. I spend half my time chasing a bear out of the garden while yelling, “THAT’S MY SALAD!” The upside? He can eat it all the way down to the roots and somehow I’ll have fresh leaves again by the end of the week. So technically, we’re farming together. He provides the manure. I provide the lettuce. It’s a beautiful, dysfunctional relationship. Overall, gardening this year has taught me several things: Plants are dramatic. Cucumbers are apparently immortal. Squash are freeloaders. Jalapeños are plotting my demise. Chipmunks are tiny terrorists. Bears apparently believe gardens are buffets. And next year, I’m starting tomatoes in December next to the fireplace because clearly I’ve learned absolutely nothing. 😂🌱